6’3’’…another
ceiling fan down
Fuck me. Feels like my heads on fire
Fuck me. Feels like my heads on fire
I dream, dream of fitting in
Normal size shoes and the bathrooms on jets
Oh, 6’3’’
Above the average man height
Above the average man height
Slightly too big to fit through doors
I have to go and
Fire up the van to get some higher-size pants
I have to go and
Fire up the van to get some higher-size pants
And pills for my heart thing
I’m 6’3’’
Veal At Lunchtime (To the tune
of "Steal My Sunshine" by Len)
I know..they
break...their knees
(Having veal
at lunchtime)
But I will
not lose no sleep
(Having veal
at lunchtime)
Got to keep
them off their feet
(Having veal
at lunchtime)
Mean Moroccan Guy At SeaWorld (To the tune
of "Rockin' in the Free World" by Neil Young)
Funny side note: Fellow students in my The Evergreen State College poetry class (which fuckin' rocked and was the highlight of school, for me, don't talk shit about The Evergreen State College or poetry around me) suggested changing "Moroccan" to "Monacan" to make the titular mean guy whiter, as if that makes sense, as if anyone cares, as if anyone says "Monacan," and as if this breathtakingly stupid concept deserved a second draft. If you've never been to a The Evergreen State College seminar, reader, you're missing out. It's very stupid and cool.
Funny side note: Fellow students in my The Evergreen State College poetry class (which fuckin' rocked and was the highlight of school, for me, don't talk shit about The Evergreen State College or poetry around me) suggested changing "Moroccan" to "Monacan" to make the titular mean guy whiter, as if that makes sense, as if anyone cares, as if anyone says "Monacan," and as if this breathtakingly stupid concept deserved a second draft. If you've never been to a The Evergreen State College seminar, reader, you're missing out. It's very stupid and cool.
I was dying
in the heat
I was
melting in my shoes
SeaWorld
is right up the street
It had just
been in the news
There was a
warning sign on the fence outside
That said
we shouldn't drink in the pool or on the rides
But I’m too
cool
To listen
to signs
So I hopped
right in the pool
With a
buoyant bag of wine
Mean
Moroccan guy at SeaWorld (4x)
He was
standing by the water
With a whistle in his hand
With a whistle in his hand
He was
standing with his daughter
When he
yelled at me I ran
Well, he
caught me real quick
And he put
me in a chair
Told me all about the rules
Told me all about the rules
While he
nibbled on a pear
Said “you’re nice kid—
Said “you’re nice kid—
Why'd you
have to break the rules?
Now you’re
in my makeshift jail
looking like a total fool.”
looking like a total fool.”
Mean
Moroccan guy at SeaWorld (4x)
I thought
he’d let me out at night.
I didn’t
know this man.
He keeps my
handcuffs tight
And he
broke my hands
I’ve got
giant sores all over my body
I wish I
had some Coors,
or a nice
hot toddy
but I’m never gonna get em
but I’m never gonna get em
And I’ll
never be free
Till the
day of Armageddon
I’ll be
lost at Sea…
World.
Mean
Moroccan guy at SeaWorld (4x)
Grandson In The Park (To the tune of "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen)
Grandson In The Park (To the tune of "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen)
This one I also did for poetry class (spoken, not sung) to much better reviews. The "fix a dryer" part doesn't 100% make sense but they were willing to let it slide.
I get up in
the morning
And I ain’t
got nothing to do
My next
door neighbor is boring
all he ever
talks about is Jews
I ain’t
nothing but tired
Man I’m
just sick and tired of bad health
Hey there
grandson
I could use
just a little help
You can’t
fix a dryer
You can’t fix a dryer without a chart
You can’t fix a dryer without a chart
It’s lonely
being retired
I’m hangin’
out with my grandson in the park
Ever since
you got your license
I’ve been
blowin’ up your phone with calls
Can tell
you’re mad by your silence
But don’t
forget: your mother came out of my balls
I used to
bayonet Nazis
I once
killed a man with a piece of rope
But then
your family forgot me
And now I’m
looking at you as my last hope
You can’t
fix a dryer
Without an old man to teach you bout the parts
Without an old man to teach you bout the parts
It’s lonely
being retired
Let’s fire
up my old Datsun, and embark
Hairy Thighs (To the tune of "Cherry Pie" by Warrant)
Squeeze my hairy thighs
Full time squatter and this here's why
Feels so good that I must describe
My sweet hairy thighs
Knee Pads (To the tune of "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse)
They tried to make me wear my knee pads
I said no, no, no
They're hella gay
And all my friends will say so, so, so
I got A's and B's
And so I'm asking mama, please
Don't try to make me wear my knee pads
I'll go slow, slow, slow
Hairy Thighs (To the tune of "Cherry Pie" by Warrant)
Squeeze my hairy thighs
Full time squatter and this here's why
Feels so good that I must describe
My sweet hairy thighs
Knee Pads (To the tune of "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse)
They tried to make me wear my knee pads
I said no, no, no
They're hella gay
And all my friends will say so, so, so
I got A's and B's
And so I'm asking mama, please
Don't try to make me wear my knee pads
I'll go slow, slow, slow
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