BOOKS ARE BETTER THAN MOVIES

REJECTED BY "THE KERNAL," OFFICIAL ZINE OF THE ONYX THEATER IN NEVADA CITY, CA
When you see a ^ in this essay, that indicates “a book for sale at Brown Banana Books as of this writing.”

Books Are Better Than Movies

Read me out, movie lovers. Give me about the amount of time it would take to watch a “short film” to explain myself and I’m certain you’ll come to the conclusion that I’m smart. Remember when Christopher Hitchens said women weren’t funny, and you all admitted it? This essay will be like that essay, except funny.
*ahem*
PASSION OF THE CHRIST. It’s the 53rd highest-grossing movie in US History. Young and old, rich and poor, Christian and other, we all love Mel Gibson and his wonderful movie. But did you know that its literary counterpart, THE BIBLE^ is the highest-grossing piece of physical media EVER? Over 5,000,000,000 copies sold. No movie has pulled anything close to these numbers. Remember this, next time a fellow cinephile assures you that movies are more popular than books.
Furthermore—it almost feels like a cheap shot to say so—the book is always better than the movie. We’ve heard it remarked so many times we’re tired of the remark. Everyone hates the guy who says the book was better than the movie because he never shuts up, because he never runs out of examples.
Here are some examples of books that are better than their movies: LEAVING LAS VEGAS^ (yeah, I said it!), THE SUM OF ALL FEARS^, THE CALL OF THE WILD^ QUEEN OF THE DAMNED^, RED DRAGON^, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE^,  THE ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER^, ENDER’S GAME^, THE GOLDFINCH^, SUPERHERO COMICS^…
Why do you feel horrible after watching 4 movies in a day and smart after reading 4 books in a day? The QUANTITY of things is the same—what’s changed?  Back in the days of The Scholastic Book catalogue (bet it’s a friggin APP now…QR CODES and crap) us schoolchildren were often tantilized with “novelizations,” or books based on movies. Remember those? It’s a strategy for tricking children and low-IQ adults into reading. I ordered the novelization of JINGLE ALL THE WAY, back in the dingle all the day. It was bad, like the movie, and never even had a shot a being good.  
But why?
I’ll tell you why, immediately: Movies can’t handle being books. They’re the unfunny actress on the talk show with nothing to say. No depth! Sure, we love to stare at them without blinking for hours and oogle over their redonkulous, melony bazongas, but it’s always the same drama with them: Opening credits, hero’s call to action, rising action, etc. Occasionally an “indie” movie—the kind they play at the Onyx—resists this format, but even these movies hit  the classic squares on the Every Movie Bingo Card: Bright lights and attractive people wearing makeup, minus-9 hour running time, music, refusal to show full penetration, etc. It’s positively infantile!
In conclusion, books are better than movies. If you imagine culture as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, books are the peanut butter and jelly and movies are the bread. THE END.