MASTER LIST OF LAFFY TAFFY JOKES (*UPDATED*)

Q: How long does it take Jefferey Epstein to run the 100-yard dash?
A: Under 18 secs.                

Q: What’s the only thing less funny than laffy taffy?
A: Eating laffy taffy and watching Saturday Night Live.

Q: What’s the polite thing to do when someone tells you laffy taffy jokes?
A: Give em a couple mini snickers.  

Q: What’s the least popular tree?
A: Poetry.

Q: Why does Bill Clinton love magazines?
A: Because he likes to get In Touch Weekly with a Cigar Aficionado and put his Business Insider.

Q: What do award-winning actors eat for breakfast?
A: Cinema roles.

Q:How did Vanilla Ice get all his jewelry?
A: He was a safe cracker.

Q: What does a pirate call his old friends from the war?
A: His army mateys.

Q: What is James Bond’s favorite basketball position?
A: Shooting guard.

Q: What’s the best hungover breakfast?
A: Jack in the Off.

Q: What’s Steve Jobs’ favorite sex position?
A: Visionary.

Q: What do you call a goth kid who works the late shift at  Burger King?
A: Count Spatula.

Q: Where does a Californian samurai get his sword, and what’s the first thing he does with it?
A: A head chop.

Q: What does a British genie say when he comes out of a lamp?
A: “I Hugh Grant three wishes.”

Q: Why did JFK’s head hurt?
A: Too many shots.

Q: Why did I have to delete the pictures of yo mama’s ass?
A: They were taking up too much storage space.

Q: How is yo mama like all the best salad dressings?
A: She’s invariably high n fat.

Q: What famous musician got utterly destroyed by yo mama?
A: Chair.

Q: Why does yo mama love Jesus so much?
A: Cause he’s a scrawny black guy who’s never coming back.

Q: What did they call yo mama when she went to Hawaii?
A: The Big Island

Q: What do you call a fat bitch who wails on cello?
A: Yo Ma Ma.

Q: What’s the difference between yo mama’s ass and Pluto?
A: NASA doesn’t consider Pluto big enough to be a planet.

Q: What does yo mama have in common with the movie Castaway?
A: They’re both willing to show you everything in the trailer.

Q: What’s the funniest gang?
A: The quips. *

Q: What’s the worst fate that can befall a Bay Area city?
A: Being Concord.

Q: What do white people do in the evening for fun?
A: Wine.

Q: How does an Australian learn about their family tree?
A: IncestTree.com.

Q: What’s the first thing Weird Al looks for in a woman?
A: Nice parodies.

Q: How is a Polish surname similar to a globe?
A: They both have seven consonants.

Q: What do you get a lesbian for her bachelorette party?
A: Wire strippers.

Q: Why did Mary Jane start following Venom on instagram?
A: To spite her man.

Q: What does Kanye West eat for breakfast?
A: Ego awfuls.

Q: What band do my dishes listen to at nighttime?
A: In Sink.

Q: What was the teenage zoomer doing in his room for the last 8 hours?
A: Self care.

Q: What did the porn star call his memoir about turning his life around?
A: A Nude Erection. *

Q: What did everyone say about the slutty accountant?
A: It's the thot that counts. *

*= joke by "Open Mike"